New blog, this effing year, life like a bus to the face

So this year has been ridiculous,

I am on job number 4 within 12 months, trying to find some kind of balance between financial demands, parenting demands and study (or the pursuit of passion).

This has been a hard road, what I have learnt is:

1. You cannot work nights to pay for daycare while you study in the morning.
   no.
   No.
   NO!
2. You cannot squeeze a week’s worth of work into three days and not pay for it in energy and productivity and the general happiness of yourself and your family
3. You cannot work for friends
4. You can make mistakes in work and study and still raise a happy, smart and precious monster.
5. ACTUALLY you can be responsive only 30% of the times your child needs and still develop a secure attachment… I have been over achieving!
   WOOHOO!
6. You can support your partner to finish a phd without separation or divorce!

I have a new blog, which is more about the research I am working on, this is to help me to increase my daily writing habit, stay focused and accountable for my productivity. I will pop in here to write about what happens in the rest of my life.
The New blog is here: https://adventuresintranslating.wordpress.com/

This week I am going to attempt night time writing… lets hope for the best.

Next year looks to include a big move to a new city, a three year old, attempting a planned baby, and more study/work madness.

Right now, someday and impatience

I am so very very impatient. I always want to skip down the road and see what life will be like ‘if’.

Right now I work 25 hours across 3 days. This means for three days I don’t see my precious monster between 8:30 and 7pm. One day a week I work solidly on my masters translation, then steal those secret moments when I can, and when I can scrounge motivation.

The monster is not pleased. She is excited to go to her day care (family day care with a wonderful woman), and is miserable with us.
We try not to take it personally.

I become worried that my parenting is at fault, concerned that I respond poorly to her needs.
But I am reminding myself that she simply wants and needs our presence, we will try a new schedule perhaps.
My impatient soul wants to skip to when we are in a financial position for me to be more selective about when and where I work.
I am impatient for my research to be complete so I can find work that I am passionate about.
I want to see if after all this effort I will be somewhere better or easier.

I take the slow path and continue in hope.

‘Busy’ people sometimes annoy me

Often when I’m speaking with friends they feel the need to remind me they have full-time jobs, that they struggle to find time for art, cooking, learning or trying something new.
Its all all about status. You have an achievement or passion, but I am busy. Being busy or not having time, for so many people I know, gives people a sense of importance and place in the world.
To my mind there are two options when you feel like you don’t have time for something:
1. It isn’t a priority to you
2. It scares you
Therein, if your passions are escaping you, you have to reevaluate your priorities or deal with your fear.

I am a perfectionist, if I fear I wont do something perfectly the first time I will put everything in my way to put it off. Lately I’ve been too ‘busy’ to start translating because its hard. Because I started working nights to begin to remedy our finances I have had such a great excuse to not study, too tired too busy. Plus parenting, a procrastination aid if ever I saw one.

But I would also like to paint well, I don’t work at it because right now my priorities are family, study, work/money and then developing as a performing artist (there is some cross over between the study and performing). I hope one day the work learning and performing arts will coexist and free up my priorities.

But if working is not your highest priority yet gets in the way of learning guitar, cooking your own food or following your passions it’s time to make time, prioritise and take the plunge. Stop using your timelessness to make your place in the world, create something and you won’t need your schedule as status.

Review: A girl called Jack

If you haven’t already seen her blog, go look like right now, I’ll wait…

awesome right?

What’s more, she has written a book of budget recipes, and honest to goodness in two weeks it has already paid for itself.

I have more than halved my grocery costs. I honestly thought I was thrifty before, but this is epic.

For background, Jack had a ridiculously tight food budget, on it she managed to cook healthy, flavour packed food for herself and her son. She began to blog about the othering of single mothers within her community, then what she was cooking, her blog is sensational, her food is sensational. What’s more though is that the blog picks up on increasing hostility towards families within western civilisations.  The way children are less welcome and every child service or family payment is given begrudgingly.

But back to the book. I have, since starting to cook from this book, made: Dried mushrooms, risottos, felafel, casseroles, baked fish, pasta, curries, biscuits. Most excitingly though I have totally made bread, tasty bread, crusty with a fluffy inside bread. I made most of it with the precious monster ‘helping’, which is probably the best feature of these recipes; you can cook dinner (and lunch, and breakfast, and snacks) with your children

you can even search her website for recipes that use up what’s lingering in the back of your fridge.

Save money, eat well. It’s not too good to be true!

To My daughter, as I embark on more study…

Hello darling,

By the time you are reading fluently enough for this letter I will have hopefully completed an MPhil and even had it converted to a PhD and maybe even graduated. I’ll be Doctorsaurus Rex.

Maybe

This week I will post my enrolment forms and meet another potential babysitter. 
I will be working some more evening shifts in my new (not very glamorous) job in the hopes of being able to pay said babysitter.

You won’t remember what honours was like my darling, but it was very difficult to finish (with or without a child). You won’t remember how stressed I got, or how that made me sick. You won’t remember how I spent hours away from you writing my thesis, aching to hold you, secretly expressing breast milk to try and get through another hour. You won’t remember how we both cried as I left. You won’t remember the books by your bed and your mother sneaking peaks as wearied to convince you to sleep. You won’t remember the hours spent in cafe’s, libraries and park benches working away, you were asleep.

I will be stressed again, and study will take me away from you sometimes. 

 I want to learn. I want to learn for me and for you. 

I want you to have a mum who pursues passion and knowledge. I want you to see how hard that is. I want you to know that we don’t emerge from puberty as fully formed adults with grown-up jobs and fancy houses. We work so hard just to pursue the things that fascinate us.

Know that I am doing everything I can to be with you for the best parts of your day, for the painting, cooking, playing, swimming and dancing. That I am doing my best to enjoy your toddling years.

My precious monster, once more unto the breach!

Why I’m happy my baby doesn’t sleep through the night

Why I’m happy my baby doesn’t sleep through the night.

What a wonderful piece of writing, a choice of joy over frustration.

We don’t have to feel wonderful about all aspects of parenting all the time, but sometimes, at 4:30 in the morning, we can remember we are lucky and be joyful.

Best ever scones

Stop with that ridiculous no-fail recipe, no lemonade,  cream is for ON the scones, no extra stuff, stop it!

Flour
Butter
Milk

That is a scone.
The secret to the best ones are toddlers, no joke.
Dump some self raising flour in a bowl then show the child how to rub flour into butter. They can do this for ages (I normally get bored and call goof-emough).
When the mixture looks like breadcrumbs pour in some milk, roughly one part milk to two parts flour but enough to make a solid dough.
Roll the dough out, make circles with a glass, then put the scones in the oven until they sound hollow when you tap the top.
No added nasties and easy for little hands they make the perfect snack.
If you’re going to add things add only one other ingredient, I.e. make a mushy milk-pumkin mixture to add instead of milk, add sultanas or choc chips.
Simple and cheap = scone

Still Happening

Baby face

I take a lot of pictures of my daughter when she is sleeping.
No seriously
A lot.
Her face changed so much so quickly, sleeping photos seem to catch her baby-self.
She is still enough to capture how truly perfect she is, how precious.
And maybe in that extra surge of love I feel, when I look down at her sleeping face, I can’t help but feel I must capture it somehow.

Welcome to the jungle

At 10:30 this morning I knew dear sweet husband would have to come home early.
He did.
He took our precious toddling monster out while I cleaned, showered and prepared dinner so I could climb into bed and eat alone.

We should have known when she was too excited to have a bath or shower.

What followed was an epic, hourlong bedtime bonanza.

There was drumming
Tantrums
Dancing
Singing
Stories
Books
Boob feeds
Hide and seek
Running
Jumping
Climbing

There was one tantrum that involved the monster setting up a cardboard box nearly as tall as herself and attempting to get her leg over to sit on it. Then screaming in frustration when the box fell.

Then as we began to tire she began to cry, big terrifying screams as we held her. We decided the play would stop and cuddled her as she struggled to resume the party
We thought she might have a sore belly.
I sent my dear fellow downstairs for Panadol.
She was asleep before he found the measuring cup.

Remind me: why do we keep getting up for this.